Valentine’s Day is supposed to be a romantic holiday. Quite often, it’s the day couples break up. A large percentage of break-ups happen on holidays, birthdays, any number of special days for a couple. Here’s why I think that happens.
To begin with, most couples struggle with being completely honest with themselves and each other about what bothers them. Haven’t we all said to ourselves things like, “It’s not that big of a deal. Nobody’s perfect. I don’t want to say anything and hurt their feelings. I’ll wait until (the special occasion) is over with before I talk about this. I’d hate to ruin the day – or night – or holiday.” You get the idea.
So in other words, we think we can avoid trouble by not talking about what’s irritating us. In general, anytime we try to avoid trouble emotionally, we cause more trouble. The things we don’t talk about build anger, resentment and apathy and we don’t want to share that either. Now there are the irritations plus the the feelings caused by not sharing those irritations.
So the pressure builds. More rationalizations occur to put off talking and finally a part of us can’t stand it anymore. And to add to the problem, we don’t want to talk about all the mess for very long so we bring it up at the worst possible time and usually in the worst possible way. Think Bill Clinton here. 🙂
This putting off difficult conversations and not giving them much time happens a good bit. Saying something about a tense situation just as your partner is leaving for work, or about to go to sleep, or just before they are fully awake is like a hit and run, except the person who gets hurt knows where you live.
The one seasonal spike in my business is in January. Folks have finally had enough after the holiday season. They can’t be nice one more day and want to make changes.
So the takeaway here is do all you can to say what needs to be said when you first notice yourself not liking something about your partner or the relationship. Don’t let the “little things” turn into big things. Actually, in a relationship, anything that continues to bother you is a big thing.Â
And don’t forget to say the nice things too like I love you and Happy Valentine’s Day.
Holidays can be horrible in that they put pressure on folks to buy this, buy that, take so and so out to eat, drive here, meet family there, coordinate between divorced parents for visits, all added to the natural stress of just trying to survive. I try to not let the calendar dictate to me what I should have to do and not do just because a certain holiday happens to be scheduled randomly on it.
Fans of TV and radio get really dosed up and guilt-tripped about buying gifts for holidays….retail stores with their displays hammer it home, too. Phooey on holiday pressure and commercialism….I want to celebrate every day equally with love, peace and kindness….every day should be treated as a holiday….give the gift of love, respect, kindness, consideration……you don’t have to spend thousands at the jewelry store to prove your love.
Thanks again for contributing Kerry. I agree with you. For instance, why feel obligated to visit people during the holidays if you wouldn’t visit them on any given Thursday? The argument that a holiday is a “special day” so a visit is necessary is letting culture dictate your choices. Singer/songwriter Paul Thorn has a fun song titled, “I Don’t Like Half the Folks I Love.”
Freedom is not just “another word for nothing left to lose.” It’s knowing you have choices in the world. You’re a grown up. You can do what you want now. If you want to stand and stare into an open refrigerator, then go ahead. If you don’t want to follow cultural norms that don’t suit you, don’t.
I see the pressure of such cultural norms as a major factor causing much of our problems in life. It’s why I named this blog The Water We Swim In. It’s difficult to see what’s really the problem sometimes just like it’s difficult for fish to understand water. (I’m assuming).
I’ll be writing more about that in an upcoming blog, so stay tuned!