The duality of life is the entirety of human experience. Good and bad, joy and sorrow, bitter and sweet, light and dark – there are always two sides to living. But instead of setting rigid goals and going too hard on one side only, you must learn how to find the right balance between them instead. Eddie Reece and Bill Courtright discuss how you set yourself up for disappointment and self-judgment by choosing to disregard vulnerability and forbidding yourself to feel your most genuine emotions. Eddie and Bill also highlight the significance of self-awareness, curiosity, and reconciling accountability with responsibility.
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Understanding The Duality Of Life
We want to offer sincere appreciation and gratitude for joining us again. We have a very interesting conversation slash episode in store for you. Eddie and I have been talking about what would be entertaining, enlightening, and informative for our audience. What we touched on is what I’m going to describe as the entirety of the human experience, the duality between good and bad, joy and sorrow, happiness and sadness, light and dark, and bitter and sweet, to coin a phrase there. With that in mind, we hope you tune in because this one’s going to be a good one. Eddie, where should we begin? When you talk about the human experience, how do you want to start this off?
That’s your job. You’ve got to crank me up.
The Duality Of Man
Understood. We’ll start with a question. It’s pretty clear that most of us walk through life wanting to be happy, wanting to feel fulfilled, and wanting to experience more joy than dread and more elation than fear. I’m going to speak for myself as the voice of the reader here. I operate quite a bit from a place of fear, anxiety, or trepidation in a lot of things until I’m experienced or comfortable enough in a new way of doing things or experiencing things to where that fear subsides and is replaced by memory or familiarity. I don’t think that every day is going to be happy and joyful, but I do look forward to having a good day every day. What would you say to someone who is living their life in search of bliss or happiness on tap? What would you say to those people?
Good luck with that. There is so much to unpack here. Our language and our thinking are based on duality, good and bad, right and wrong. That’s a huge part of the problem. The natural world doesn’t operate that way. To quote Ken Wilber, there are no good bears and bad bears in the bear world. They’re just bears. There are no ugly bears. There are no beautiful bears. We are the only species that looks at things that way.
When you operate from duality, any attempt to go for the good will also eliminate the bad. You’re trying to destroy half of the world in order to get this half. In terms of the human experience, you’re saying, “I want to wipe out half of the human experience. I only want to have this half.” Carl Jung spoke to this well when he talked about the shadow, which is, as I go for good, I also create bad. That’s our shadow self. They’re the parts of us that we don’t want to admit, if we have any knowledge of them. For a good bit of time, we don’t even have any knowledge of them.
If somebody sees them as good, they have to keep that up because none of us are saints. Even the saints don’t feel like saints. You are stuck in this battle of, “I must do good and be good. Therefore, I must not be bad. I must wipe out the bad.” When you say, “I want to be happy,” you’re wishing to wipe out half of what could go on because you’ve named it bad.
“Big boys don’t cry. Crying is bad.” You simply named a basic human emotion as something to be destroyed. If you are sad and you don’t cry, then you’re not experiencing being a human. Whatever it is you experience in its place is either going to be more than human or less than human. You’ll tend to go all or nothing with it.
Good mental and emotional health is reality at all costs.
You’re like, “This is not bad at all. This is okay,” or,” This is the worst thing that’s ever happened to me.” Either way, you’re not dealing with reality. We’ve mentioned this a few times in different ways. Good mental and emotional health is the reality at all costs. You’re like, “My daughter died. I’m sad.” Be sad. I don’t want to judge that as good or bad or right or wrong. This duality is ingrained in us from the very beginning, as, “He’s such a good baby,” as opposed to the evil babies. They make movies about that. As you listen to all this rambling, the central theme is that we wound up living our lives in this battle to be just one thing and go for that one thing. That’s the only acceptable thing, which is going to cause all sorts of mental and emotional problems and problems in every area of your life.
Living Intentionally Vs. Living By Default
Do you subscribe to the idea that people can live intentionally and that they can strive for certain things, or do we simply exist by default?
You can say, “I want to be successful.” You have to define success. You’re like, “Success is this much achievement and hitting this level.” You can map all that out and go, “That’s where I want to go.” That’s not a problem. You’re like, “When I hit a golf ball, I want it to go there.” That’s not a problem. That’s not going to cause a problem. The problem happens when this goal becomes the only acceptable goal, and it is the good.
Anything that’s not the goal is bad. That’s where the problem comes in. You’re like, “I look back at my career. I wanted to be successful, and I didn’t hit these milestones. I’m going to call that bad,” or, “I was not successful. I was not good. I will wipe out any achievements that I made. They’re not worth anything. Only this one thing will make me happy, so I’m going to be miserable because I never made it,” or, “The golf ball doesn’t go right there. It goes over there, so I’m no good.”
I see this virtually every round I play, if I play with other people. When they hit a golf shot and it doesn’t meet that standard of good in their mind, they break themselves. That’s the result of that battle. I remember playing with a guy on the very first hole. One of these guys I describe thinks he’s a better golfer than he is. I could tell he was pretty good at it.
He messed up a shot on the first hole, and he was angry at himself. I’m thinking, “I do not want to listen to this crap all day.” I stood up beside him as somebody else was hitting a shot and said, “Good golfers have short memories.” Somehow, he got the message, and he was okay the rest of the day. That’s the battle that most of us live in. We wonder, “Why am I not happy? Why am I not satisfied? Why is this not going well?” Maybe it is, or maybe it isn’t. You can’t tell if you’re in that battle. All you know is that you haven’t achieved all good and no bad.
The reality there is the expectation. Expectation is the seed of future disappointment. If you’re striving to improve, using your golf analogy, and you’re not attached to any specific outcome other than the joy of playing the game, the satisfaction of improving, having a better day than maybe another day on the course, and touching on that experience.
You so wisely pointed out on a number of occasions that you view mental health as the ability, understanding, and recognition of the entire human experience as it pertains to an emotional, spiritual, and cognitive level. It is the entirety of that, to be able to understand that and to be able to quantify maybe the differences of that, but never to expect any one specific emotion. From what I’m hearing, and correct me if I’m wrong, we’re not in too much control of that. We can certainly control how we react, but regardless of how we pull that club head back, rarely does that ball go exactly as we’ve envisioned it.
There are quite a few things in your comment. The first part of your comment was the problem’s expectations. I shouldn’t have any expectations. You then went on to describe, “What I should have is I’m trying to improve. I want this day to be well.” There are your expectations again. You can begin to see how tricky this is to fare it out. We pretty much can’t have a thought without it being based in duality, which is also judgment as to good or bad, which then leads to shame.
We’re like, “If I don’t achieve good, then I feel ashamed I’m not a good person.” We’re trying to be happy because happy people are good people. Good people are successful people. Good people get loved and everything else in the world. Bad people get crap. You’re going to be stuck in this, even when you try to come up with a solution.
Fair enough. Where does virtue, righteousness, or any of this stuff come from?
It’s all duality.
From my perspective, help me here, I consider myself a glass-half-full type of person.
Instead of the glass being half full, how about there are 4.2 ounces of liquid in the glass?
I’m grateful.
I don’t care either way. If I want to drink 8 ounces and there are 4.2 ounces, then I have to add 3.8 ounces. I’m impressed. I did the math correctly.
Well done.
There’s no good or bad and right or wrong, but even then, there is a hint of that in that I want eight ounces. Why do I want eight ounces? It’s because I think that’s the right, good amount.
Anxiety and our reaction to it are the problem.
Predicting The Future And Managing Anxiety
You’re talking more good. You made something clear in my mind. When you’re using good, what I’m hearing is righteous, but what you’re saying is more like correct.
In mathematical pure data.
It’s not black and white. It’s gray.
It is multicolored. Why does it even have to have a color? Why do we even have to know what that is? We’re trapped in this. The trick is to know that I want the ball there. That’s not the problem. The problem is, to use the Buddhist concept, my attachment to that outcome. The attachment is this idea of good or bad. That will dictate my response.
When the ball goes where I want it to go, I’m overjoyed. That’s attachment. I can go ahead and be overjoyed, or I can be upset if it doesn’t go where I want it to. In a way, that’s not the problem. The attachment that is damaging is that I will make a judgment about who and what I am. You see the guys hit a bad shot and they go, “That sucks.” That means you couldn’t hit a good golf shot if your life depended on it, then. I don’t think that’s true.
If the end result is shame, then there is attachment and judgment. You judge yourself harshly. I was working with a client. He was talking about his job. He was like, “Things are slow at work. I’m anxious about that.” I’m like, “I don’t know anything about work, but why is that a problem? Your paycheck was the same, wasn’t it? You don’t have to work much, and you get the same amount of money. Can I have that job? You’re anxious. Why are you anxious?”
He said, “The anxiety comes from the expectations. If it’s slow, the powers that be are going to look at me and are going to say I’m worthless, and then they’re going to get rid of me. I get laid off.” I go, “You get laid off. Why is that a problem?” He said, “I’ve been laid off before.” I said, “What happened?” He said, “I got another job.” I said, “Okay. Who cares?” He said, “ I’ve got to go through the process again. Is it going to be this kind of job? Is it going to have this?”
I said, “All I can hear from you is that there are no options to it being slow around here. That can have no other meaning but doom and gloom. There are no other options. If I throw out an option, you’re like, ‘Cool. I don’t have to do so much and I get the same amount of money.’ At least inside, you’re going to be rolling your eyes at me.” They laughed. You’re going to wipe out any good, and you’re predicting the future. You’re clairvoyant. You are sure your predictions are true. You’re also crazy because you can’t do that. You’re also making sure that there is no way for anything to be other than anxiety-provoking. That is a result of duality.
Surely, some level of expectation and anxiety can be healthy. Am I wrong?
The basic response to pretty much anything is curiosity.
No. Anxiety is natural. It’s why we’re here as a species. If we weren’t anxious, if we weren’t ADD, and if we weren’t looking around, we wouldn’t have survived. There’s something wrong if you’re creating that anxiety, and you’re creating it based on things that simply aren’t true. You don’t have any idea. Maybe you will get laid off, but that doesn’t mean that all is lost. The anxiety is a problem, and the reaction to the anxiety is a problem. You’re like, “I have to be proactive. I have to go do something. I feel threatened, so therefore, from fight, fight, fawn, and freeze, I have to do 1 of those 4 things because my life is on the line. I have nothing to do. I must do something.”
Reconciling Accountability With Responsibility
Where does a concept like accountability come into play? For me, personally, a father, a husband, and a professional, how do I reconcile accountability, the feeling that I have responsibility? I do put some expectations on myself. I feel like it’s appropriate to do so. A lot of guys and gals out there probably feel the same way. How do I know I’m not going too far in one direction?
Look at what it does to you. Look at your reactions. Look at what you’re focused on. If it looks, tastes, and smells good, no bad, then that is an option. If you’re going to struggle and suffer, suffering is optional. Things can be hard. We can pick back up with an awareness of your mental and emotional state. If you’re anxious, that doesn’t mean react. The basic response to pretty much anything is curiosity, if you want to try to come away from duality and be more mentally and emotionally healthy. Isn’t that interesting?
You’re like, “I’m feeling like I’m not being the best father or provider I could be.” What does the data say? I’m big on that. Don’t sit there and make up the data in your own mind. You’ve got to look. You’ve got to talk to your wife and your friends who know you and who see you as this provider-husband person. Say, “Does it look like this is happening?” If they go, “Yeah,” then the hard part is to believe them. Most of the time, we’re going to go, “They don’t know what they’re talking about.” We’re going to go ahead and react because that’s what we trained ourselves and have been trained to do, which is why we were asking the question in the first place.
A Combination Of Good And Bad
What I’m hearing you say is that a lot of this is tied to identity. In our mind, we’re, in some weird way, approving of our behavior as it relates to that prescribed identity.
Are we good or bad?
There we go. We’re right back to where we started. That’s the beauty of the conversation.
Are we good or bad? The answer is always going to be you’re both. I’m, more often than not, a kind, caring person. At the same time, I’m a real A-hole at times. I say mean, horrible things and think mean, horrible things. That’s all me to go in and say, “I’m going to fight this.” You’re like, “I’m going to stop overeating.” Good luck with that.
As soon as you go into that, yes, no, all-or-nothing kind of mentality, it’s like, “Whatever you do, Billy, don’t think about a zebra for the next ten seconds.” Our brains don’t work that way. Our brains work from pictures. If you go, “I’m going to stop overeating,” then you have this picture of not eating, which is going to make you panic because you have to eat. You’re going to wind up eating more. You go, “What’s another option? I’m going to learn to eat healthy and in a reasonable way so that my intake matches my outflow.”
We’ll get you a fitness tracker that looks at how many calories you burn over a period of time and finds the average. If you’re burning 2200 calories a day, you have to eat less than 2200 calories a day. We all know to eat less than we need and to spend less than we make, but we don’t do it because of the emotional issues that are in there that we don’t know what to do with, and sometimes we don’t even know are there.
The Lack Of Self-Awareness
You said something wise a moment ago, which was awareness. A lot of this grace, duality, permission, or whatever term you want to use, at first, you can’t make any sense of it at all, until you have a level of self-awareness, more importantly. That’s a rare thing.
Decades ago, I jotted down a line that said, “There’s such a lack of self-awareness in our culture that when most people masturbate, they’re having sex with a stranger.” We don’t know ourselves. If you think you do, think about the last argument you had with a loved one. Did you hear anything at all that said, “You’re this way,” and have you ever heard that before? The answer is going to be yes. Is it true? It is.
Couples come in and argue. They go, “You’re this way. You’re that way.” I go, “It seems like you guys are trying to decide who’s right and who’s wrong.” They go, “He shouldn’t and she shouldn’t.” I go, “Let me solve that quickly now and forever. You’re both right. You don’t package it very well. Let me teach you how to say what it is you’re wanting to say.”
I had a couple. Their argument was that he needed some lotion. She wants to buy the lotion for him, so she can buy a lotion that doesn’t have a scent. She said she’ll get the lotion. For whatever reason, she didn’t get the lotion as soon as he wanted it, so he went and bought lotion. He buys the smelliest, most obnoxious lotion possible. He spent time looking at reviews so that he could buy a good lotion. For whatever reason, he didn’t think about the smell, which is her main thing.
They shared this big argument, and they’re both right. They were like, “You went and bought this lotion that’s obnoxious to me. You’re mad at me because I bought lotion.” The lotion bothers her. He did the best he could, and she did the best she could. They’re both right and wrong about what it is they believe the other person did. There was no ill intent either way. People will come in and go, “They do this on purpose.” I go, “They wake up in the morning and go, ‘Let me see. What would be the best way for me to piss them off today?’ You want to believe that their intention was bad. Therefore, they must be destroyed.”
My wife has heard me say more times than I care to admit that I would rather be happy than right.
That is a little better than, “The most important thing to me is being right,” but it’s still the same thing.
It’s almost acquiescing to something you might not even believe in or agree with to avoid the confrontation.
You cannot make sense of anything until you have self-awareness, which is a rare thing today.
I tell people, “Being right is not a problem. You want to be right.”
It could also be true, anyway.
True, right, or honest. Why not, especially applied to self-awareness? You’re not going to be right a lot of the time, so it’s better to go, “I’m going to do my best to make an honest assessment.” Right is great. Righteousness is not. When you take your rightness and demand from others that they agree with you, that’s when you’re going to have a problem, even if they agree with you. You’re like, “Nobody’s going to tell me what to do.” That’s not a good survival skill where people tell you what to do and then you do it.
Getting The Fullest Human Experience Possible
Tie a bow for me. You alluded to this a minute ago, which is the assessment, how it makes you feel, and the self-awareness. As we are recognizing anxiety, expectation, goals, or a desire for a certain outcome, not a demand, what would you say to one of your patients who is in search of a sense of health? Give me a sense of, “I’m on the right track if.”
If you are very amenable to the point of seeking out the fullest human experience possible. If you experienced the death of a loved one, you want the fullest human experience possible. I remember I had a therapist who died. I went to the funeral, and it was a huge funeral. This guy had been around forever. His wife is on the front row throughout the entire service, nonstop for well over an hour, wailing. I was so impressed. I was like, “How could she feel any other way?” That’s what you shoot for. When something precious is gone, it’s going to devastate you.
There’s a guy who wrote a book. I never read it, but I love the title. I use it a lot. A good marriage will break your heart. That’s why when we lose a pet, some people will admit, “This is harder than losing a human.” The reason is that pet is nothing but love. A comedian talked about it, like, “You could lock your dog in the trunk for a week, and then when you open the trunk, it is like, ‘Good to see you.’” You lose something precious, and that’s devastating. I remember all the conversations and writings about how strong Jackie Kennedy was and how good that was for the nation. She wasn’t strong. She looked completely unaffected emotionally.
Numb.
No wailing at all. That’s not good in my good, bad dual world. She’s not expressing what’s going on. She’s not able to. Chances are, she’s in shock. Two, my guess is she was taught the same thing. All of us are told, “Be strong.” Strong is unaffected emotionally. Weak is affected emotionally. Strong is, “I can lift this.” Weak is, “I can’t lift it.” Being unaffected emotionally is not a good thing for your nervous system.
I love where we’re going to end this. Full spectrum emotion, full human experience. It’s consistent with who you are as a man, as a therapist, and as a friend. You’ve always said that to be able to experience the 100% of the spectrum that is human experience and emotion, as it relates to that experience, is what life is all about. It showed up again. I appreciate you getting vulnerable, and I appreciate you making it make sense. We all want our friends, family, and spouse in the front row wailing uncontrollably as we graduate to the next space.
Ladies and gentlemen, on behalf of the master, Eddie Reece, and myself, Bill Courtright, we want to again express sincere gratitude. If you found this insightful, please give us a comment, hit the like button, or subscribe to our show and newsletter. If you have any ideas for future episodes or guests we might have on, please don’t be a stranger. Reach out. We’d love to hear from you, and we’ll certainly incorporate that into future episodes. We are signing off this episode of the show. We’ll talk to you soon.
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